U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Randomize
