and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
