My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
