I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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