you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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