if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
