I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
