Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
