i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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