3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
