You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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