life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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