I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
