Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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