Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
