I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
