batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize