If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
