i think my mom watched the whole time
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Randomize
