I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
