Bisexual people are plain selfish.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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