The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
