guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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