No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
