My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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