ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
