you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
