1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm jealous of your bromance
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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