Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
