So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Do you still have your period?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
