Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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