1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
