I could make wine with my vomit
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
