fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
