She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.