I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
These 25 Women First Experienced Sexual Harassment At A Shocking Age
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house