I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.