Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
Terrible brother advice.
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick