I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
naw, they were rude, not me.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
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At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
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Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?