I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
