were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
