I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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