i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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