I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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