I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
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and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
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Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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