I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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