I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
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