I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
