You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
