I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
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This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
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