We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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