my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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