When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
