I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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