I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
