She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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