so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.