so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me