Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time