No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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